Fraud Complaint Form

I was watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” tonight. The reason I was watching that show is a blog for another day. On the show a question came up referring to a Mail Fraud Complaint Form. Apparently, you can go to the United States Postal Service website and download this form.

Now, this struck me as odd. I don’t disagree that a lot of guys commit fraud. But it would seem fair for the government to have a Female Fraud Complaint Form. I have never been a victim of mail fraud, but indeed, I have been a victim of female fraud. Let me explain.

About two years ago, friends of mine set me up with a girl. For purposes of this blog, I will make a weak attempt to protect her name. Let’s call her Chardonnay. She and I hit it off on the first date. Chardonnay was a year old than me, divorced, and as I got to know her, I learned she had her share of baggage. But the truth is every person over the age of 13 has their own baggage. I understand this. My best approach, I decided, was to be light and breezy going forward. And breezy I was.

We started going out one or twice every couple of weeks. We had a good time. I could tell her divorce had left her a little shell shocked. But, she was having a good time and I was having a good time. She was relaxed, she was affectionate, and I was content.

About seven weeks into the deal we came around the corner to face the Holiday Trifecta of Doom – the three worst holidays of single life. These holidays are Christmas, New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. Char and I were coming up on the first – Christmas. She asked me first to her work Christmas party. Mine was the weekend following, so in kind I asked her to mine. Holidays are tricky with a new lady friend. You’ve got to know how to navigate the minefield. I was doing my best not to tap dance.

Long story short. We go to her Christmas party on a Friday night at the local country club. I meet her co-workers and her bosses and all their spouses. I will guess about 100 people total. Three hours later we are back at my place. Chardonnay drops the bomb: the dating isn’t working out and she doesn’t want to see me anymore. I locked up right after I said “what the …?” Its one thing to get dumped. At Christmas. Its a whole other thing to get dumped IMMEDIATELY AFTER going to a freakin’ Christmas party!

Chardonnay wasn’t feeling “it” anymore. She had known for a week or two, but felt obligated to go through with the Christmas party. Her Christmas party. I was still locked up at “what the …?”

The next day I was angry and I had collected my thoughts. I called her to say I didn’t understand why she wanted to break up, but more importantly, why take me to her Christmas party if she was just going to break up? I didn’t get a straight answer, and I really didn’t feel any better even though I got to yell at her.

The week following she emailed me to say even though she didn’t want to date, she was really looking forward to going to my Christmas party. At this point, I realized that even with a woman that is mature, crazy can pop up at any time. It only took me twenty years to figure that out. I declined her invitation.

So, tonight I went to the United States Postal Service website and found the Mail Fraud Complaint Form. I searched everywhere, but could not find the Female version of that form. I know the statute of limitations has probably expired on the event with Chardonnay, but I figure I will need it again sometime. My two questions are:

1. Where can I find the Female Fraud Complaint Form?

and

2. Where do I sent it?

By the way, what does the Postal Service have to do with all of this?