Television Commercial Script

At Reclining Pines Retirement Home, your loved ones will be treated like kings and queens as they enter the twilight of their lives. Our trained staff provides expert attention in a comfortable and relaxing environment. Peace of mind will be yours knowing your treasured family member is in the hands of loving caregivers.

When you come, don’t forget Louie Louie’s Bar & Grill located next to the recreation room. Enjoy delicious BLTs, corn dogs, and your favorite adult beverage. Nothing is better after a trip to Reclining Pines than a frosty mug or two.

Reclining Pines – all you want from retirement care and more. Highway 270 past the recycling center in Hillcrest.

Don’t forget Tiny Joe’s Bait Shop out back!

Open Letter To My Co-Workers

I would like to address what may have happened in the restroom at approximately 8:45 this morning. First, I am assuming no blame, nor am I saying something actually did happen at 8:45 this morning. If something did happen, I would say plainly that while not pleasant, the episode was necessary. Movements happen, and sometimes these movements are not easily forecasted. While every person would like to have troubled movements at home, such is not the case. The body is a wonderful and terrible thing – wild and not easily tamed.

All that to say that if something did happen, please be gracious. It was not the owner’s intent to cause harm or emotional distress. Over time, the effects of that powerful episode will dissipate. If indeed, a powerful episode did occur.

Thank you for your understanding.

Running Is hard….

… on my nipples. I always forget about nipple care before a big race. I remember to hydrate, to dress appropriately, to eat the right foods before the race.

But I forget about my nipples.

I ran a half marathon yesterday. Not my best race, nor my best half marathon. The weather did not cooperate. The temperature dropped thirty degrees just in time for the race – from a nice 72 degrees on Saturday to 45 degrees on Sunday morning race day. The wind that came along with that temperature drop was not welcome. Those gust were upwards of 30 miles per hour.

I was thinking about my pace and fighting the wind until about mile 6 when all my attention focused to my throbbing right knee. The knee was not happy and was telling me. It forced me to take many more walking breaks than I was planning.

With all that going on, my nipples were forgotten. Until after the race when I soaked my body in a hot bath. When the water touched them, it was “wow!” Sore muscles have nothing on tingling nipples!

Note to self: care for the nipples before a race. Always.

The Return

Two months have passed since my last blog. For this lack of writing I have no good excuse. To follow the national trend of deflecting blame, I give you:

Top Ten Reasons Why I Have Ignored My Blog.

10. Winter = hibernation.

9. After the election in November, nothing has happened in the news. (Economy? It’s fine, right?)

8. Bacon.

7.  The television show “Lost” is back on the air.

6. Winter is the least creative of all seasons.

5. Much to my surprise, Obama isn’t nearly as much fun as Bushie was.

4. My brain shuts down when the temperature gets below 40 degrees.

3. I haven’t had as much free time since Britney is back. (All of those fan sites to read!)

2. Winter = too many carbs in my diet. Carbs cause the death of the creative mind.

1. I have found the love of my life!

I have renewed my commitment to my inner blogger. I will see you again soon!

First Sign of Spring

Even in the southland, winter has taken hold this year. This land is still recovering from an ice storm where two plus inches of ice covered everything. Broken limbs caused severe power outages and much damage. Power crews from many states are in the area to restore power to thousands.

Winter's cold grip

The good Lord did give us a reprieve this weekend in two ways. The temperature reached above 60 degrees on Saturday. Not only did it melt much of the ice, but gave us a small taste of spring. Regardless of what the groundhog does this week, I know spring is on the way. The warm weather, if brief, does bring out the playfulness in people. One such people in particular showed her playfulness on Saturday.

Can Spring be far behind?

Obama’s Surprising Picks

President-elect Barack Obama made some surprising choices for new departments within his administration on Sunday during the Inaugural Celebration in Washington, D.C.

Obama sat down with a reporter from the Associated Press and spoke candidly about his appointments.

Commenting on his appointment of Jamie Foxx to head the newly-formed Department of Hip, Obama said, “Jamie always made me chuckle while he was on the television show In Living Color, but he really stepped up his game with the movie Ray and especially with his collaboration with Kayne West on the song  Gold Digger.  Jamie has style, and that is what the federal government is sorely lacking. Let’s face it, this country has had over 200 years of mostly old white guys running things. It is time we class it up.”

Obama chose classic rocker John Mellencamp to head a new division of the Department of Agriculture called Farmland Forever. Obama says, “To be honest, the was (chief of staff) Rahm Emanuel’s idea. I really messed up during the campaign with that ‘guns and religion’ comment. A lot of people in rural America didn’t appreciate that, even though I meant it in the best possible way. John is a man of the people, and he really understands farming issues. On a personal note, I have fond memories of a high school dance with my date and John’s song Hurts So Good. That is really all I can say about that.”

Of the three picks announced, none is more surprising than Obama choosing actor and comedian Steve Carell as head of Homeland Security. Obama comments, “A lot of people don’t realize that Steve is a remarkably smart individual. He is going to bring many creative ideas to the job. Currently, getting through airport security in the U.S. is a nightmare. Steve is going to change that – to make it fun again. Honestly, the last two guys that George W. Bush put in the job were like trained monkeys. This is a fresh start.”

The New Ford Festiva

At the North American Auto Show in Detroit last week, Ford shocked the world by unveiling the 2010 Ford Festiva. The new Festiva is not only a true electric car, but is also affordable and ready to be mass produced for the 2010 production year.  Few auto experts thought Ford had much in the way of fuel-efficient cars in their development pipeline.

Since the early 2000s, Ford has relied on full-size trucks and SUVs for the majority of their sales. Due in part to rising gas prices and the credit crunch, the American car company has lost millions in the last 12 months.

Ford announced the new Festiva has been in development since the late 1990s, much to the surprise of both auto experts and Ford’s competitors.  Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mullaly, “We saw almost ten years ago that we couldn’t rely on SUV sales to carry us forever. We knew that we would have to build a car that was extremely efficient if we were going to make it. The new Festiva could save Ford.”

The Festiva is remarkable, a two seater with a completely electric engine that plugs into a regular outlet. The charge can last two days or 1000 miles. Best of all, it costs less than $18,000. Many auto experts believe the Festiva will launch a new era in mass produced autos and bring the American auto industry back from the brink of extinction.  All that thanks to the foresight and resourcefulness of Ford Motor Co.

New Ford

A Case of the Mondays

Mondays come every week, and sometimes they come with an angry vengeance. Today hasn’t been so bad, but last Monday was difficult. I had been on holiday for the better part of two weeks. The thought of getting up for work that Sunday night was as difficult as fighting the urge to stay in my warm bed that Monday morning. The rest of the week wasn’t much better. I came across I photo that matched my disposition perfectly.

Guns and Bacon

Ah, the beauty and randomness of the internet. Two articles I came across today show that you can find just about everything on the internet.

My friend Tommy loves bacon just as much as I do. He found this article and had the good will to send it to me. Oh, lovely bacon.

 

Bacon me!

Check out the article: http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/

These tough times call for tough measures. Sometimes you gotta get some hardware in case the whole enchilada goes down the toilet. Or somebody comes knocking in the middle of the night, but they forget to knock. Annie, pass the ammo.

 

Kimber

Sweaty Elvis

Most days I really enjoy my life. I like my job, I enjoy the town where I live, and I have good friends and a wonderful girlfriend. But every life, I believe, has a yearning for something more. Or at least something different.

Sometimes my mind drifts to what I would like to be if I wasn’t me . That answer is simple: for a day I want to be Elvis. 

But I don’t mean ‘56 Elvis. I don’t even mean ‘68 comeback Elvis. I want for a day to be fat, sweaty ‘72 Elvis- singing “Polk Salad Annie” at Madison Square Garden.

Because even in the bloated shadow of what he once was, fat Elvis still had it.

 All the bombastic glory was there. The swagger. The jewel-adored jumpsuit. And of course, the cape. I haven’t seen any performer wear a cape and make it look good the way Elvis did.

The truth is, even when he was a shell of the man he was in his prime, Elvis was a great performer. If you don’t believe me, do a YouTube search and watch Elvis in concert from the 1970s. That fat guy still had it.

If I were to be somebody else, why not be audacious and sing to the applauding crowds?